2004-05-06 - Spring Orgo Night
Butler Reading Room
[March in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite a giant foot in our collective mouth, it's the most racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Semitic band in the world, the Columbia University Marching bastards.
[Fanfare]
featuring:
J. Israelis - George Bush's Favorite Group of Jews
J. Neo Conservatives - Donald Rumsfeld's Favorite Group of Jews
and
J. Marching Band - Columbia University's favorite group of Jews
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, semi-centennial, solipsistic, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not
the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring taxi fares still going up, Columbia's acceptance rate still going down and a 250th celebration that is cold and dead, the band now presents its 39th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
[Play “Who Owns New York”]
Next Semester the Core Curriculum will undergo a significant change with the addition of a course for all freshmen dubbed Frontiers of Science. However, after mixed reviews, Frontiers has undergone significant revamping. In the hopes of making this course more exciting, Columbia will stick with its tradition of presenting its own leftist twist to every academic discipline. Eric Foner will teach his radical revisionist biology, in which the Krebs Cycle is a but a natural step in the social history of carbon, where the oppressed carbon will be liberated by the shackles that have dominated it under the wrath of the bourgeoisie acetyl coA. The bonds shall be broken it asunder, and there will be a glorious and free distribution of ATP for the proletariat. Nick DeGenova, the new appointed lecturer on immunology will every class with a call for “ The White Blood cells to attack the Germs with the force of a Million Freedom-loving Iraqi Insurgents.”
Catharine McKinnon will return to campus for a follow-up guest lecture on male dominance in the inorganic world. Seeing how one oxygen atom coerces the two hydrogen into bondage, she asserts that all water is rape. In the very least, one of the Hydrogen atoms should be allowed to remain as a free ion although at best she advocates that the Oxygen should be swiftly and brutally castrated. In honor of the fourteen Republicans in the Class of 2008, the band now plays “ Alma Mater Blinded Me with Science.”
[She Blinded Me With Science]
In a shocking turn of events in the world of campus politics Matthew Harrison soundly defeated Wayne Ting and his Ignition Party. It is ironic that Wayne Ting, founder of Columbia Students for Kerry, who had ridden so soundly on the cufflinks of the Anyone But Bush platform, was defeated here at home with the “Anyone but Ting platform” {At this point, the band noticed Wayne standing on a table in close proximity to the scriptreader, so comments were directed towards him. Wayne seemed to have a smile on his face. After all, the guy who won the election didn't get a sixth of the script devoted to him.} Wayne however, is not out of the picture yet and he plans to come back next year with the “Remix to Ignition” And as for Ting’s contemporary in Washington, Come November, John Kerry will have a fine future as a Viagra spokesman and can always console himself by rolling around in a pile of his wife’s hard earned catsup fortune. I mean we all know that Kerry is just a spineless, terrorist loving, third-purple-heart-faking, takes-it-up-the-ass-from-his-wife-with-a-strap-on-dildo, Massachusetts liberal. What chance does he have of winning? In honor of democrats praying for an upset, the band now plays, “Living On a Prayer”.
[Living on a Prayer]
Recently, the TA students have decided to strike, making this the first case of a graduate student walkout in the history of the Ivy League. As if banging their pick of the Lit Hum virgins weren't payment enough already. To improve the situation and legitimize their cause, the TAs have brought in a group that is known for their dignity and character, the United Auto Workers, who since their founding have always been dedicated to upholding the rights of intellectual elitist ivory tower fucks. President Bollinger who at the time was roaming the side streets of Bangkok on his whirlwind tour of finding a cheap, new concubine, commented, “Why can’t you folks just get your Shoes at Wal-Mart like me and the rest of America. And what right do you even have to shoes at all? I mean I don't see that written in the constitution. Well it’s certainly not in the first amendment because I know everything there is to know about the first amendment. You might even call me an expert on that subject, or even a God-King if you will.”
The band would like to suggest some alternative forms of revenue to the starving grads, such as selling kidneys or their sperm, or even better yet dropping out and facing the cold, grim world of reality and getting a real fucking job, where you don’t get paid to study the role of Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice for a decade. Or you could suck up your pride and just do what the undergraduates do every Friday and take every one of those psychology surveys that you can find. In honor of only 30 minutes of our time in 345 Engineering Terrace, just to earn our weekend drinking money, the band now plays “Basket case”.
[Basket case]
Of course, the Spectator had trouble dealing with the recent TA Strike, mainly because they couldn't find a way to use their coverage of it to make fun of The Fed. Despite such petty journalism, however, the Spec it has undergone a variety of changes this semester. Improvements include being replaced by USA Today. At least now the student body is dangerously well informed by fun-fo graphs and info-bars. A new tear out Sports section was also introduced, which you can now tear out and throw away along with the rest of the Spectator.
Much more important, however, is the introduction of the Spectator sex column, in which the debonair spy couple Veronica Claremont and Scott McBain answers the sex woes of their readers. As if Columbia students have sex. From a recent issue: Dear Sextators, My boyfriend wants to fuck. (Pause. Look around. Continue.) I don’t know if I want to go for that sort of commitment. What should I do? Sincerely, Unpopped in Plimpton. Dear Unpopped, Well dear, you need to respect yourself as the strong, independent women that you are. You can only go ahead when you are ready, and if he can’t understand that then he is just not good enough for you honey. Love, Veronica Claremont. Dear Unpopped, I must admit this is conundrum of a question. I have found it vexing and difficult to answer, as my raging erection makes it difficult to reach the keyboard. I feel the only way to get around this massive issue is a personal consultation with me, Scott McBain, in Scott McBain’s Sex Palace in Scott McBain’s room in McBain hall. Sexily Yours, Scott McBain. In honor of the Spectator trying to hide its first hard on from mommy and daddy, knowing there’s only one thing that can remedy the problem, the band plays “Happy Together”
[Happy Together]
Recently, President George W. Bush proposed a Constitutional Amendment that would ban gay marriage across the United States. President Bush suggested the amendment after he was shocked to learn that gay people in America having been having Sexual Intercourse with one another for some time now. He isn’t sure exactly how two men could have sex though, as indicated by him politely inquiring as to, “Where the penis would go?” Regardless, on a nationally televised address, the President
angrily made clear the link between Gays and Terrorism. Noted Bush, “If they get the right to marry, then the terrorists will have won. We all know the insidious powers of the gays and their insidious ways. Once they get the right to marry, they will start having gay babies that will be running all about, and they will have even more gays babies until the American Flag is just bleeding the Colors Gay, Queer and Gay.”
A County in the State of Oregon has tried to avoid this entire controversy by banning marriage altogether. Public outcry was immediate, who asked for government officials to, “Please, think of the children, those poor bastards.” The band would like to
congratulate this maverick Oregon county. It's about time our government started protecting its citizens from marriage. Much like an organic chicken, the band believes genitalia ought to be free range. In the spirit of preserving the Orgo, the Band thinks that love is good be it man, woman, beast or inorganic form, and proves it by play the Classic Journey tune, “Any Way You Want It” (Emphasis on the You)
[Any Way You Want It]
Students at Columbia are still mourning the loss of West Side Market one of the few places you could go if you really needed overpriced beer at 6 AM. And judging from the magic marker epitaphs scrawled on that plywood Wailing Wall covering the store, it seems that the community wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye to verbally abusive cashiers, oddly sticky floors, and those mini shopping carts which somebody once thought would look quaint, if by quaint you mean still too wide for those narrow fucking aisles, so that you always get stuck behind some fat asshole trying to decide which Atkins carb-free chocolate sauce to buy. But with Columbia's grocery options now pared down to Morton Williams, formerly known as UFM, and Dagastino’s, formerly known as that place where homeless people pee, students can finally shop like real Americans: listening to muzak while aimlessly wandering an antiseptic cookie cutter chain store, where the minority employees are mistreated by a heartless corporate overseer. It’s all part of President Bollinger's greater plan for the Michiganization of the Upper West Side. In honor of Lee B. leading his disciples into the Promised Land of Ann Arbor, the band plays "Walk my way."
[Walk This Way]
Well, that's all for us tonight. But before we go, we'd like to leave you with a few study hints for that big Orgo exam tomorrow:
The half life of cobalt is 5.26 years. Lee Bollinger IS a half-life, who will no doubt go bald (go bald/go balt/cobalt) within a similar period of time.
"When the hydrolysis of an ester in a basic solution works properly, it's called saponification. The basic solution to this TA strike, however, is to call on them to admit they're not properly workers, they're saps with an education."
"In electrophilic aromatic substitution, halides are ortho-directing deactivators. Similarly, after too much beer at the West End, your electrifying phallus often deactivates, leaving you to substitute intercourse with more ortho-directed pleasures."
The bathochromic effect is the lowering of a spectral band, also known
as a red shift. The bathochromic effect is also when you do LSD in the
tub and the wall suddenly turns pink.
That’s it folks. Don’t break any bookshelves on the way out.
{To which the other scriptreaders added the oddly placed, "Remember, no Harlem, no Peace."}
[March out to Raw]
{For the first time ever we had two scriptreaders. I think there certainly some gasps in the crowd when the second scriptreader started with her joke. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.}